Joke topic

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. An Italian police officer stops them and says,

- Itsa illegala to putta five-a people in a Quattro!
- Vot do you mean, it s illegal ? the German drivers asks.
- Quattro means four! the policeman answers.
- Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile the German shouts ...
Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people !
- You canta pulla thata one on me ! says the Italian policeman. Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your carre and you are therefore breakinge the lawe!

The German driver gets mad and shouts
- You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zum vun viz more
intelligence!!!
- Sorry the Italian says, He cantta comea. He sa buzy with a two guys in a Fiat Uno.

OK, here is another one:

One Sunday morning Vasssili burst into the living room
and said:
- Kalimera, Mama, Baba! I have some great news for you!
I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in the Khorio.
She lives a block away and her name is Katina

After dinner, Vassili s dad took him aside.
- Vre Pedimou, I have to talk with you.
Your mother and I have been married 30 years.
She s a wonderful wife but she has never been any good
in bed, so I used to fool around with women a lot.
Katina is actually your half-sister, and I m afraid you can t
marry her.

Vassili was heart-broken.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.
A year later he came home and very proudly announced,
- Eleni said yes! We re getting married in June.

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and
broke the sad news.
- Vre pedimou, i Eleni is your half-sister too.... I m awfully
sorry about this.

Vassili was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother
with the news.
- Baba has done so much ghamisi . I guess I m never going to
get married, he complained... Every time I fall in love,
Baba tells me the girl is my half-sister.

Vassili s mother just shook her head.
- Don t pay any attention to what that malaka says, Vassilaki
mou, He s not really your father.

Joke topic, sounds good! I ll keep sending as I find more;)

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her... But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed Give the ballerina a drink!

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, Give the ballerina another drink!

The bartender approached the little drunk and said Tell me, Paddy, it s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?

The drunk replied, Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!

Working for the council


A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, Are you allergic to anything? He replies, Yes, caffeine.
Have you ever worked for the public service before? Yes, I was in the army. he says, I was in Iraq for two tours.
The interviewer says, That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asks, Are you disabled in any way? The guy says, Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles .
The interviewer grimaces and then says, O.K. You ve got enough points for me to take you on
right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day.

The bloke is puzzled and asks, If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don t you want me here until 10.00am? I m not looking for any special treatment y know

What you have to understand is that this is a council job, the interviewer says,

For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks. There s no point in you coming in for that!